"You aren't seriously considering forgiving him are you?" Sarah asked, cautiously disbelieving Joe's sudden change of heart, and my sudden change of mind about leaving him.
"No, I'm not forgiving him," I said sheepishly, "but, he's finally making an effort. He's keeping his promise. That's gotta mean something, right? I mean, he wouldn't bother if he didn't want things to work out. You know him. If he doesn't want to do it, he's not going to. So the fact that finally after all this time we're having a vacation just the two of us, has got to mean something."
I was trying to convince myself as much as Sarah, though she saw through his bullshit much more easily that I did.
"He's doing the bare minimum. I'd hardly call it an effort. What is he getting you for your present?"
"What present?"
"Your anniversary present? Hello? It's your first anniversary... he is getting you something, isn't he?"
"Um... I dunno, I mean, the trip is kinda the present," I stumbled, knowing that I was about to get an earful from Sarah.
"WHAT? No. No no no. The weekend to Maine is NOT the present. He is supposed to do something for your anniversary, and he promised this trip to you when you got married. Do NOT let him get off that easily!" she insisted.
"Well, you know as well as I do, that if I say something about a present, he'll just get pissed, throw it in my face, and not get me anything anyway. I figured if he wants to get me something he will," I said, trying to justify the fact that I wasn't willing to push for a gift on top of the trip.
But I knew she was right. He should get me something. A card at the very least. But I also knew that if I did say something, he would do exactly what I told Sarah. And she knew it.
"Fine. Then I'll tell him. What do you want?"
"What? What do you mean, what do I want?"
"I mean, what do you want me to tell Joe to get you? If you're not gonna say something, I will. You're not going just sit there and accept he'll get you something if he wants to. No. He owes it to you to get you a present, and I'm going to see to it that you do. So if you don't tell me something, I'll make it up. And trust me, you won't like my suggestions."
"Fine," I sighed. I had become so accustomed to just buying myself things when I wanted something, that I wasn't sure there was anything left for Joe to get me. "I do want the Norah Jones cd."
"What else?" she pried.
"I dunno, I can't think of anything," I said.
"You can't just tell him a cd. It's your anniversary. What about jewelry? Something for the kitchen?"
"Well... I always like jewelry. And I do still want the kitchen-aid stand mixer. I dunno, I just don't want him to spend a lot of money. He's spending a lot on this trip as it is," I said. Since Joe and I still maintained separate bank accounts, there was no such thing as "our" money. What's mine was mine, and what was his was his. I just didn't want to hear about this trip after the fact, about how it would impair Joe from doing other things later. Like drinking. Without me.
"Okay, well, I can think of something to tell him, I'll email him, and let you know what he says," she said ending our daily afternoon phone break.
About 20 minutes later, I got a forwarded string of emails from between her and Joe:
TO: Joe
FROM: Sarah
RE: Anniversary Present for [Single Girl]
Hey Joe -
Not sure if you already have picked out an anniversary present for [Single Girl] yet, I'm assuming you have. But in case you're still looking for ideas, I thought I'd pass along a few things I know she'd love to have.
1. Jewelry - an anniversary ring, or necklace to match her earrings.
2. Kitchen Aid Mixer - to make her baking for your family at Christmas time easier
3. Coach Bag or Gift Certificate for a her to pick out a new one
4. A gift certificate to a spa
5. CDs - Norah Jones, David Gray - you know who she likes
Don't forget the card, and to wrap the gift, because really, the wrapping is half the present. And chocolates and flowers IN ADDITION to the present.
-Sarah
TO: Sarah
FROM: JOE
RE: Anniversary Present for [Single Girl]
Thanks. I'll figure something out.
And that was all he said. He'd figure it out. Which meant he hadn't gotten me anything, as I assumed and wished that Sarah hadn't sent him that email, or at the very least, not sent it to me. Because as much as I wanted to believe that he was trying to make things better, the lack of present only demonstrated that he was doing the absolute minimum. Making a reservation for a hotel was easy for him. but putting some thought into picking out a gift for his wife was something Joe was never very good at.
Feeling nervous and anxious about the way things were transpiring, I called Val at work to talk it over. Whereas Sarah was always my go-to-get-pissed girl, Val was my go-to-get-calm girl and my voice of reason when I started to act irrational.
After relaying the story to Val, she insisted that I not feel bad about Joe getting me a present.
"Seriously. He should get you something. I'm glad Sarah emailed him. Don't feel bad about it," she said.
"But he's spending a lot of money on the trip, he shouldn't have to get me something else, don't you think?"
"Look, I wasn't going to tell you this, but I think it'll make you feel better. His mom is paying for your guys' hotel," she said.
"WHAT? How do you know that?" I questioned.
"Because she wrote him a check for $150 that day we were at the beach in Maine."
"How come I didn't know about this? Where was I?"
"You were in the shower or something. She felt bad that Joe hadn't made plans and chewed him about it. She didn't want you guys not to go away on your anniversary, too, and thought that since money's an issue right now, that she could help," Val told me.
"The cheap mother fucker. You gotta be kidding me. And he took her money? Unbelievable. We have the money, you know. He just doesn't want to spend his money on doing things with me. I cannot believe he took her money. Bastard!"
When I got off the phone with Val, I immediately called my mother. You can see that I was terribly productive at work these days, no?
Anyway, I again retold the story and my mother's response was this:
"Stop fighting with him. He could've pocketed the money and not made plans at all. He's trying and that's what you've been wanting from him for months now. Just try and have a good weekend with him, and don't fight. Your father and I've sent a check for you guys, too, so you'll have some extra cash to have a nice dinner, or do something fun. I just want the two of you to get along and remember why you got married. Please?"
How could I not try to let it go when my mother wanted it so badly? She (and I) believed that this was the effort from Joe I'd been waiting for and felt that this was a chance for us to reconnect since we'd drifted so far apart.
So for my mom, I left a few days later with Joe for the weekend to celebrate our first anniversary - a day I (and so many others) was convinced we'd ever see.
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5 comments:
I remember when my ex 'allowed' me to buy a macrame plant hanger at a flea market (it was a LONG time ago). I was thrilled beyond belief! And my friend said, "Why are you so excited over a $2 item?" It was because he didn't do ANYTHING for me! Sad now that I think about it.
i absolutely can not stand when someone is that weak... regardless if it was a hard time for you or not, you should have said no on your own instead of going on with this idiocy. I am sorry that I am being harsh but I have read your story from the beginning and I kept making excuses and putting myself in your shoes and I keep thinking the next post will be when you let him go but so far you've only made yourself worse. But above all, your mother really aggravates me. You spent countless hours on the phone with her crying about joe and how much of an ass he was to you and all she needed to do was to tell you how big of an idiot you have been and to just LET HIM GO. instead, she just made you feel more guilty and helped you keep going with this horrible marriage. i'm just at a loss for words for the actions your mother took to "protect you" from something that lasted so long and ultimately changed your life around.
Anonymous - You're absolutely right - I was horribly weak and should've left him years before I ever did. It's hard to look back even now and not see a million different points in time that I could have and should have walked away, but chose not to. I was so terrified of making a wrong decision, that indecision was just easier.
As far as my mom, yeah, she could've said "leave him" but my parents have always been supportive of my choices, never wanting to interfere and tell me what to do regarding anything. I have had many conversations with my mother over the years as to why they never spoke up about their true feelings about joe and the entire situation, and in a nutshell, they didn't want to influence my decisions or paint a negative picture - I come from a long line of "lifers" in the marriage department, and while my parents had both been divorced prior to marrying each other, they truly just wanted me to be happy, and to find my own way. Part of their fear was if they said something negative or pushed me to leave and then Joe and I did work it out, that I would resent them in the long run... which I completely understand and respect them to some degree for doing.
I guess part of the reason I even bother with writing about this part of my life now, is that I hope that if there are other women out there going through similar situations, that I can make them realize that that it's okay to leave, and often times better if you just do. It's always easier said than done, though.
In saying all that, I don't regret the way things in my life have turned out one bit. In fact, I wouldn't be the strong, confident woman that I turned out to be without having gone through this.
I completely agree with everything you've said. I do see your parent's point of view and I guess everyone reacts differently to each situation they are given but I feel like if more people stepped up and told you how they feel it would have given you a different perspective sooner. I know ultimately it was your decision and technically nobody's business, but it was for the sake of your well-being.
I am glad you are writing this & don't get me wrong, I've been addicted to every new post but at this point I don't know if I should still feel bad or just be unbelievably frustrated. I've been in bad boyfriend situations and let go so much faster and I don't know what I would have done if a marriage was at stake. I hope women do learn from this and come to find out that they can be stronger and more independent than the way they are with an asshole who makes them vulnerable, weak and sometimes obsessive. Thank you for sharing your story.
I am also amazed at how many details you remember about your relationship with Joe. Like I said, I went through a couple bad relationships but I don't remember half as much as you do. Props to you for recalling everything and realizing where you had gone wrong throughout the years.
I totally get why your mom wouldn't say anything to you. I've had a few friends with toxic boyfriends/relationships over the years, and when I was younger and more naive, I even managed to actually say something to them about it.
BIG MISTAKE. Until they broke up with the guy, everything they said to me was peppered with "Oh, I know you don't like X, but ..." or similar ... if they bothered talking to me at all.
I heard it mentioned someone once a long time ago, and I've taken this advice to heart: Never talk bad about someone to the person they're sleeping with. Because they'll always, inevitably, side with the person they're fucking, and where does that leave you?
Besides, people really have to learn things for themselves. You don't find out anything about yourself sitting at home or playing it safe. You learn when you get burned.
That said, it is hard as hell to watch someone going through something like this, especially, I'm sure, if it's your own daughter.
Great post as usual, I am just dying to know what happens next every time I come by.
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